How to Create Close and Meaningful Friendships as an Adult
I don’t know about you, but creating close and meaningful friendships as an adult is much more challenging than it used to be when we were kids. Not only are adult friendships more difficult to start in general, but we’re all so busy, and maintaining relationships requires effort and being intentional.
Having close friendships is one of the most fulfilling aspects of life, so if you can follow the below principles about how to build meaningful friendships, you are likely to be much happier and excited about life overall.
Take the Initiative
Especially in the beginning, it’s so important to be the one who takes the initiative in connecting with a friend. Be the first person to call, schedule a date, or text just to see how they’re doing.
I honestly had a lot of trouble with this tip in the beginning – to me it made the friendship feel “one-sided” and like I was the one putting in all the work. I wanted somebody to be the one to come to me and show me that they were interested in my company.
However, if you are the one who’s serious about being a better friend and building close and meaningful friendships, this way of thinking doesn’t hurt anyone else but you. In life, you have to go after what you want and even be willing to be a little uncomfortable in the beginning.
Of course if after months of taking the initiative, if a friend isn’t reciprocating at all or even turns down your advances a lot, that’s probably a pretty good sign that you can move on from that particular relationship. But with the right person, the give-and-take will naturally balance out and you will eventually be initiating equally as often.
For now, have fun with being the one who has control over when you will talk and what you will do together! It’s a great way to shift the mindset to enjoy the building process instead of waiting around for the end result.
Always Think About Giving before Getting
This tip goes hand-in-hand with the tip above. When it comes to any relationship, your first priority should always be to ask yourself what you can give to the relationship instead of what you can get out of the relationship.
This way of thinking does two things:
- It prevents you from being disappointed when someone doesn’t always give to you in the way that you were wanting.
- The relationship will feel much more fulfilling because your happiness will come from your own doing, instead of being determined by what someone else does for you.
In romantic relationships, a dating relationship tends to flourish quickly because both people are only thinking about what they can do for each other, not what they can get for themselves. They want to take their dating partners to the best restaurants, buy them flowers, and send them cute “good morning” text messages to make them feel happy and cared for.
Friendships should be no different! When you really like someone and want to get to know them better, try to think of things you can do to make that other person feel as good as possible. You can offer to pay for their dinner the next time you go out, or even get them gifts for no reason at all if it’s something you think they will like!
Listen and Remember
Communication is another huge part of any good relationship, particularly learning how to listen to another person and make them feel heard and seen.
One of the best things you can do to create close and meaningful friendships is to truly listen when a friend is talking to you, and most importantly, remember what they have told you going forward.
This can include things like listening when they tell you when their birthday is, then remembering to call or send them a text by putting it down in your calendar that evening. If you’re chatting with them about what they like and they mention they love Italian food, remember that and schedule your next lunch with them at an Italian restaurant.
People love to feel understood and like someone “gets” them – it’s one of the biggest aspects of feeling close to another person.
By listening to what a friend says when they are talking to you and then remembering in the future so you can act on that information, you are one step closer to being a much better friend.
Include Them in Your Life
This tip never really came naturally to me when I first started trying to build adult friendships, which I know might seem a bit counter-intuitive. Wouldn’t I want people who I like and love to be included in certain aspects of my life?
I grew up in a very close-knit family (I have an identical twin sister) and it was pretty rare that I would trust someone enough to bring them into the fold of my inner world.
Looking back, I think part of it came from a fear of judgement that once they really got close to me and saw where I came from, they wouldn’t really want to be friends any more. I think the other part came from getting that need for closeness and connection met by my family so often that I forgot I was going to need other relationships once I grew up and left home.
Letting them in
In any case, one of the best ways to build close and meaningful friendships is to invite them into your world on as deep a level as possible.
If your family is having a barbecue, invite them to come. Want to try out a new restaurant with your significant other? See if they and their significant other would like to join. If you do some extracurricular activity outside of work such as being in a band, invite them to come to one of your shows.
The more you can include friends in the daily aspects of your life (and of course show up for them when they invite you into theirs), the more you will feel like they truly what makes you who you are. They will also be a part of your history when you look back five or ten years from now and remember the experiences you had as you grew further into adulthood.
Be Honest and Authentic
We have all heard the advice: “Just be yourself!” probably more times than we would like. While it’s definitely true and you can’t possibly build close and meaningful friendships without being honest about your likes and interests, this also includes being honest about your dislikes, boundaries, and values (often the much harder part).
In any relationship, each party is going to come in with a certain set of expectations. Oftentimes these expectations are so subconscious that we don’t even realize we have them, and then we wonder why we get frustrated with the other person for displaying certain behaviors.
The Danger of Expectations
One of the biggest ones I have is timeliness – I have a strong expectation that when I make plans to hang out with someone at 7:00 PM, that means 7:00 PM sharp, at most 5-10 minutes after. Because I never communicated my expectation to people I pursued friendships with, I often became very frustrated when they arrived 30+ minutes late. I sometimes decided right then and there that the friendship was not going to work.
I now know that nobody is perfect. If close relationships are more important to me than a 20-minute delay in my evening, taking the risk of lovingly confronting my friend is worth it.
Yes, it’s scary, and yes, the other person might decide I’m way too high-strung and not want to hang out with me anymore, but if anything that would free me up to find someone who either shares that same expectation as me or cares about our relationship enough to work harder at being on time.
For any relationship to feel truly meaningful, you must be willing to communicate what you need to feel happy. Make sure you take care of this step as soon as possible when you’re building new friendships!
Be Adventurous
This last tip is all about having fun, although what I’m proposing may not sound all that fun at first…
One of the best elements that keeps relationships exciting and enjoyable is uncertainty. It’s the reason why we get so excited when we’re dating someone new – we don’t know everything about them yet, and we’re excited to discover the mystery of this person.
Friendships should be no different! You want to keep the relationship fresh and interesting by being open to new experiences and trying new things, even if they sound like things that you initially think you would have absolutely no interest in.
Don’t always go to the same bars and restaurants – try switching it up and trying a new cuisine or a new place you’ve never been to. If your friend is super into rock climbing and they invite you to come with them, be open minded and give it a chance!
Not only will you likely discover that you’re interested in things you never knew you were interested in (I never knew how much I LOVED camping until I went on my first real camping trip with a group of my friends), but you will also get to discover new things about your friend and what makes them tick.
If you’re looking for new adventures and experiences to try, websites like Groupon and Meetup have awesome experiences in all different areas of interest.
Conclusion
Building close and meaningful friendships requires a lot of effort and intentionality in the beginning. It’s well worth the reward if you can take the extra steps to make friends feel included, respected, and loved in the relationship. The above tips will help you do just that and help you to feel happier and more fulfilled.
What’s the best advice you’ve ever received about being a better friend?
